Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
there's paper in my vomit.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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