Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
