All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
