I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
