i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
