I'm so fucking centered right now
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
