He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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