P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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