I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
