Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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