HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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