My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
