Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
