Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
