I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
