Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
