I want to have your abortion
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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