Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
