the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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