my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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