Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
