everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
