Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
