when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
