Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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