i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
