Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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