I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
