Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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