Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
