he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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