So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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