I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Randomize
