So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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