my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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