I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
