how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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