Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
