loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Randomize
