guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
