Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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