Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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