My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
