if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
