she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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