Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
