im six kinds of drunk right now
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
