im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
