i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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