The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
